Music Scene: “The Final Countdown”

by Jonathan Loucks

I’ve always wanted my own theme song. Wouldn’t it be cool to walk around town, decked out in your finest threads, with some killer jam playing in the background? Imagine never being ignored again. As seen on television’s Arrested Development, Europe’s “The Final Countdown” is the ultimate backing music. Pure camp—so bad it’s good—the song serves perfectly as a soundtrack for the character Gob Bluth.

Illusionist by day, ventriloquist by night, Gob is best known for his Segway scooter and sandals without socks. But it’s only when he’s performing his magic tricks—skipping across the stage, knife firmly clenched between teeth—and blasting “The Final Countdown” that we know he’s serious. I mean, come on! Nothing rocks harder than ’80s Swedish hair metal. Extra points if you have it as your ringtone.

Which is why I want my band to cover this song. Talk about the classic secret handshake—we’re up on stage, the lights go down, the fog machine kicks in, and suddenly we launch into Doo-doo-doo-doo, Doo-doo-do-do-doo. You know what I’m talking about. In all the years you’ve been smoking pot, you’ve never heard a riff this epic.

Granted, at first, kids will scratch their beards and ponder, “Why the heck are they playing this karaoke song?” And then it’ll hit them: “Hot freaks! This is the tune from Arrested Development! This band is pure postmodern genius!” Or something like that. Unfortunately, the rest of my band refuses to learn the song. They’re too focused on the not-goodness of the original version to see the brilliance in such an intertextual reference. Their loss. I mean, we could have been famous… or, at least, big in the O.C.

P.S. This is the last thing I’ll ever write for KS, and I’d like to thank Jeff, Kaya, Jen, Antonia and yinz guys out there for reading, rocking and thinking too much.